Dear Solas
by SourCrumb
Summary: The Inquisitor decides to keep a journal of letters to the elf who left her broken into pieces.
1. The First Letter

Dear Solas,

It has been almost five months since you up and vanished from my life. When you tore yourself from the center of my heart, the place we knew you belonged, we did, we both knew, and pulled far, far away, across to a place I can never reach you. That I can never find you.

I feel you never want me to find you.

My dreams, the only chances I have to open myself to the fade and have the tiniest possibility that I might find you are frustrating beyond words. I feel as if I'm drowning in water so dark and so cold it's not even real, like I'm not even really wet, like I could maybe, possibly breathe if I could just take one big breath in-

But then it never happens. I'm still cold, still lost in the dark, still drowning, still reach out endlessly for your hand, always being surprised when I don't find your fingers stretching back to me.

They always used to.

So many tell me to give up, but I feel as though a part of me has been forever broken by your actions. What was it you told me once during a lesson? "Actions always have consequences," I believe it was.

Is that what I have become to you? Just a walking talking consequence, something to put forever behind you, a memory you've become all to eager to forget? It feels as though I meant nothing, never anything.

You whispered promises, broken words of hope maintained, of a bond ever lasting, of a life never to be parted. Two halves of one whole, a rare bright star of understanding and peace. You were my peace. My rock. The light I could count on to never waver, to keep me straight, to guide me home.

How could you just blink away and leave me in a place you know I fear, a place you know devours me whole and breaks apart my mind. You put me back together once, remember? Was it so long ago that you guided me back to feeling normal after the mark first touched me? After my arm become something foreign, a part of me, but not. You helped me focus, helped me center my emotions. You were my rock. You seemed to be proud to be my rock.

I can hear The Iron Bull coming up the stairs. I have to go, we've yet another battle ahead.

I wonder if you know how I close my eyes before I raise my sword now. How I sometimes don't really care if I see it to the other side.

I wonder if you would care if you did.

~Ellana


	2. The Second Letter

Dear Solas,

I wasn't sure how often I would write you when I finished my last letter. At the time it was a suggestion that Varric had offered to me. Turns out he had a difficult time dealing with his feelings for Bianca. Can you ever imagine such a thing?

This is what I miss the most. Just talking. I can remember the first night you offered your pipe with me to share, and my heart had lept, like I'd passed an invisible test. I knew it was test I was projecting myself. But it was hard not to lean into you. You made it damn near impossible.

I refuse to believe you didn't know what you where doing to my heart. I refuse to accept the possibilty that you were stringing me along. I refuse to see you as that kind of person because I know that you aren't. Deep down, I will always still believe in you.

Andraste's tits! I'm so sick of crying over you!

It's why I hide away in my room most of the time. Why go outside where there will be a million questions to answer, a thousand people to address, if not more by this point. How could stand before them, shouting brave and strong over their faces at a time like this?

Every so often there will be a knock and I will make sure my hair doesn't look completely awful before I call for them to enter. Everyone is very polite to me, if a little bit nervous and stiff. They do not comment if I wear the same outfit three times in a row, if I slept in it as well, remaining rooted to my bed roll which I had pulled out and set up on the balcony. They make no mention of the fact that not even rain keeps me from sleeping out under the open sky since you left.

These days, I forget to breathe sometimes. I have to stop and slow, remind my breath that it carries the freshest of air and just needs to calm down and that everything will be ok.

See that? I'm lying to my own body right now. That's how much I'm falling apart. That's how broken you have left me, in pieces that are now growing dusty with neglect. Why have you not come back, why have you left me here, alone, cold, in the dark.

The dark, deep kind of dark.

The worst kind of dark.

I have only one thread left to hold onto. But I believe it.

I believe in you.

I believe in us.

We were at least half in love, weren't we? A strange, buried love that still managed to surface... fought the odds.

But love none the less.

I know I...

Solas, I wanted to be with you badly. For us to be together after all the rifts were behind us, the battles pushed away, our time finally our our to spend together. And I know you want that too. I know you want to be with me, and I refuse to let you lie to the both of us any longer.

Leliana has her best agents out to find you. They WILL find you, Solas. And you'll be dragged in front of the court, just like Blackwall. Remember? You were so upset I was "soft" on him. I'll keep that in mind when I decide your fate!

...It's exhausting hating you while missing you eternally at the same time. I tend to sleep more these days. I think I need to go lie down now. I've gotten myself much too riled up for a stupid letter to someone who is never going to read it, because you obviously made your choice.

...But I know we'll reunite. We have to.

But the wait might just do me in before you have the chance to even attempt an explanation.

I suppose that's your choice though.

Please choose to return soon.

Please?

~Ellana


	3. The Third Letter

Dear Solas,

It's been a long time, hasn't it? I tried to write, I did. But it seemed like everything was tearing me apart, that things were too big for any page to contain. My pain had swallowed me, gobbled my heart and kept on eating; though skin, through bones... things were... I mean, they are...

I'm dealing as best I can. Still trying to allow myself to feel angry at you. Cassandra probably has enough rage built up for two people, to be honest. Who knew she was such a romantic?

Not that romance means much anymore to me. Not after you. Romance now holds the scent of roses left to die in murky water.

Sometimes I wish I had more nightmares these days. It seems all my pleasant dreams contain you. They are always the same and yet they are different. They end the same way, but sometimes various events do or do not happen.

Those are the dreams I remember piece by piece through the day; leaping through my thoughts and tearing them to pieces with the memory of your eyes. Those are the mornings I sleep in as long as possible, to see you standing in front of me, to watch you smile again and feel your hand touch mine, reach for me, hold me and then all is well and happy and we're laughing under the lamps somewhere where it snows.

It's always snowing. That never changes.

Are these dreams manipulations of yours, I wonder? Are you trying to reach me from beyond the fade?

I try to remember to look for signs of your presence, but I can't help but lose myself to the dream, to allow my exhausted mind and still beating heart to rest in the deception.

I'm falling apart, Solas.

I hope you're at least doing better than this.

~Ellana


	4. The Fourth Letter

Dear Solas,

I came so close to hating you last night. So close to being able to set the wound on fire, to cauterize it and finally allow it time to heal properly.

Of course I couldn't manage it all the way. This wound inside me is eternal. As long as my blood pumps through my veins, it will remain, empty, dark, endlessly weeping, never easing.

Solas, WHY?  
Why did you do this to me?  
How can you claim to love someone and yet hold them under the water and allow them to keep drowning?

I came so close to hating you.

So close.

But instead, I still love you.

Why?

~Ellana


	5. The Fifth Letter

Dear Solas,

I know you feel you shouldn't be happy. I know how you think you don't deserve to feel such an emotion... but please, please believe me when I tell you that you do. That you should. You should be happy. At the very least, if you must strip yourself from my life, you could at least be doing it for something that brings you even the faintest pleasure!

I know you're not happy. I can feel it deep inside me, gathering with every dream, with each glimpse. Don't tell me I'm being ridiculous. You know that you and I, that we could always tell. That we could always read each other like a book, even if we didn't always acknowledge it.

You feel you must keep back, that you must keep to your path, to your plan, to your duty. Stop! Please, please, I'm begging you to stop that train of thought, to please put those ideas aside! Don't you remember how simple everything was for you and I? There was no Inquisition then. There was no threat, there was no looming past bearing down onto us. It was just you and I, locked together in the middle of the forest. The cool dark, your hands on my hips, the way your scalp felt when you finally allowed me to massage away your stress...

...you fell asleep in my arms that night. I let my arms envelope you and I gently pressed my lips to the crown of your head, both wanting you to feel it and wanting it to go unnoticed.

Did I whisper how much you meant to me while I held you there? I know I laid my cheek upon your skin, that I closed my eyes as well, wishing I could stop time. Holding you upright, your sleeping head leaning against my chest, listening to the even rhythm of you breathing, in and out, in and out...

Oh Solas, please come back? Please, please, please, please... just come back... Everything will be all right. I swear, we'll be all right. Please just come back to me and hold me while I cry away these horrible lonely months; please don't let them turn to years, Solas, please?

I miss you more than I can stand.

~Ellana


	6. The Sixth Letter

Dear Solas,

My Solas,

Time continues to move forward.

Blackwall and I had a long discussion together last night, about Grey Wardens, their history, what he thinks life with them could be like. I know the ways he watches me, and I recognize the light that fills his face whenever we get close, even if he still refuses to admit it. It is nothing like the bonfires I would catch burning in your eyes for me, but I don't want him to go any further. He treats me like some kind of Royal, as if he would never be good enough for me. He would be kind to me.. good to me... but no. I can't stomach the idea of someone else hurting me like you did. And if someone like you can string me along for no reason but their own selfishness... Well... anyone can. Even a man like Blackwall.

I refuse to be tricked again.

It doesn't matter. He'll be on his way back to the forests before long... parting ways with me, at least giving me the chance for a proper goodbye.

Some of us have already vanished now that the worst of our danger is over. Sera is long gone, of course. Thanks to you things are far too elfy for her now, and Dorian had to leave for home in order to make things better, which is always the best reason to leave. Varric is still here, scribbling away, toiling on his masterpiece. But he is one of few to stay. Even The Iron Bull and the Chargers are packing up, though I don't know when they plan to leave. Perhaps a new contract is being drafted somewhere for them to go and work elsewhere.

It's hard to watch people go, but what you put me through has hardened me. I nod my head, say nothing when they come to say goodbye. Dorian promised to come back to visit, but I know he will not. Nobody even means those kinds of offers. I will never see him again.

Just as I will never see you.

Leliana is in a perfect rage. She has yet to find a trace of you, her very best scouts coming up confused and empty handed. Josephine pines for an ending to a fairy tale romance, and the Commander has no idea what to do with any of us, three different women held in the grip of a love that bloomed so brightly, it touched all those around us. We had more fans than we knew, turns out. Cullen is in over his head with all of this, much like we all are. He's the smart one to stay out of the water.

I wish I could turn back time.

The past that I never wanted to live in, the looming danger, the burning mark of my arm, the misery of endless missions and back-to-back battles. I would take it all back for the time I had with you; The nights in the Fade, in your arms, your lips pressed to mine as you held me to to you so tightly that nothing could come between us.

Nothing was ever supposed to come between us.

Yours, always, eternally, please come back, please,  
Ellana


	7. The Seventh Letter

Dear Solas,

An entire year has passed between the time we started and the time we ended. This time last year we were all early sunny days with stolen glances during missions and longer magic lessons than we had before.

Do you remember when the mood changed, when I began training with you nightly instead of our previously agreed twice weekly schedule? You would hold my hands to guide me into the first steps of learning complicated spells than often left me emptied of my mana, a little shaky, breathing unsteady. I remember how you would hold my shoulders to keep me standing, to left me recover, to stare into my eyes and tell me silly bits of news or stories while my energy restored.

Do you remember when magic was forgotten and all that existed was our one love seat and ourselves? You would murmur sweet things in elvish that made me smile or laugh or blush... I especially hated when I would blush.

I don't cry nearly as often anymore, and I'm trying my best to keep busy and stay above water when it comes to thinking of you. As time passes, the wound inside me still does not close. If I pay it to much attention, it will flair to life, so I push it to the back of my mind to think of something else. I've taken to longer patrol shifts, as early in the day as I can. I'm no longer the night owl that I used to be, you'd probably be disappointed in me.

If you're not already. It's not as if I could know, or anything...

An entire year...

I have mastered the art of fake smiling so that those who are left will stop frowning in concern when they see me. I can feel their stares of pity and I just can't take it anymore. It's exhausting, but it has a side benefit of my sleep being almost instant and dreamless as much as I can remember. Which is what I want.

I know now that you're not coming back to talk to me any time soon.

Ellana


	8. The Eighth Letter

Solas,

How can I be so numb and yet feel as if I'm breaking down inside at the same time?

It has been too long now. Too long for forgiveness. Too long for explanations.

You're never going to come back. And what's worse is that you KNEW you'd never come back.

You planned to stay with our Inquisition only as long as it would take for you to find what you needed.

You never planned to even look back, did you?

As bare and raw as your leaving as has left me, my emotions and feelings are shifting somewhere new and cold. It's as if deep inside me, a thick, slow frost is settling in. It cuts the warmth from my thoughts. It slashes through every positive smile the others send me. I still smile back, as brightly as I can, but it means nothing on the inside.

My heart is a heavy stone, a terrible weight that sounds more and more hollow with each beat.

When I could imagine we were star-crossed lovers, an unfinished circle that would one day soon be closed and locked and completed and full, then things were still possible. Air was still worth breathing. The story was bitter, but still it was sweet. Now, the bitterness chokes me and I wonder if I'll ever be free of its clutch.

What happened to change my mind? Nothing dramatic. Just the sudden, horrible realization that if you had always known you would leave, then I was nothing but a way to help pass the time, wasn't I?

You were never going to give me happily ever after.

You never intended to. All your pretty words were just lies; Lies, and nothing more.

Prove to me I'm wrong?

I wonder if you even really loved me at all.

~Ellana


	9. The Ninth Letter

Dear Solas,

Commander Cullen stops to talk with me more and more often. I can see his concern for me is growing by the day. We often cross paths in the morning, as it seems he wakes early as well. He knows the full story of us, of course, and I have heard whispers that there is a woman lingering in his past, similar to the manner in which you haunt my present.

It would be lovely to have a sympathetic ear, but how long can one be expected to pine and ache for someone else before it became pathetic? Not only that, but then for this to about someone else who clearly gave nothing for them? I am beyond pity; I am a fool! How can I expect him to take me seriously in any way shape or form when I am like this?

Perhaps that is the point? Maybe he plans to shake me by the shoulders, to wake me up and make me see reason?

I feel the old me would have been quite breathless at such a position. Numbed as I am, he is a beautiful man, much as he struggles against it. It's rare to find someone else who feels their outside is much more fascinating than what it holds.

Maybe we could have made a go at something, once upon a time.

No chance of that now. The bridge you burned was a national monument, and it reduced the very city of my heart to ashes and smouldering foundations.

Love is an emotional memory; one I have been forced to forget.

~Ellana

Notes:

Oh wow, this seems to be taking off a little! I wanted to take a moment and say Thank You to everyone who threw some love my way, and HUGE thanks for the reviews! It makes my morning to wake up to them. Please keep reading and sharing my stuff, it only makes me better!

I hope you keep enjoying this, but the chance at a happy ending is pretty low, I warn you all! Sorry, little angst bunnies, but you know you love it. Now enjoy some dead-obvious shipteasing.


	10. The Tenth Letter

Dear Solas,

I don't know when the leaves and the green of the grass decided to return.

Usually I awaken with the Spring, somewhere deep inside me. I touch the stalks of new plants as they poke through the earth. I skim my toes through the first morning's morning dew. I breathe in the air as the rain falls warm for the first time all year.

There is life all around me. But it doesn't seem to mean nearly as much. Even my thoughts have lost their high edges, their darker lower valleys... They say you can get used to anything, and now I have found a way. Death cannot be my answer, Bull made that perfectly clear before he left.

He was the only other person I told, you know. I didn't think I would have to tell anyone after you found me and stitched me back up, stole away my sharp objects and made me want to be better.

But now you're gone, and I'm used up, and I feel like garbage, something you took up and you selected and you gave me a purpose and then you used me for it and then you threw me aside as something never to be needed again.

I don't remember what I intended this letter to say originally. It wasn't this.

Creator's Sake... Why?

Why do I still feel as if I need you?

Why can't I stop going mad without you?

Why did you choose me for this purpose?

~Ellana


	11. The Eleventh Letter

Solas-

I have become disconnected from my forest. Disconnected from the Inquisition.

From myself.

For what do I matter? Not a person. First a Herald, then an Inquisitor, and then what?

Your Charge? Your Student? Your Friend? I can only guess how you first thought of me.

I know that now I'm just Your Mistake.

Maybe this is just what you do. Maybe your true nature is just as cruel as I imagine it would need to be to do such a thing.

Maybe you are just a monster.

Ellana


End file.
